How Do You Deal With Loss?

Loss can mean so many things. The loss of a loved one. Loss of a coveted career position. But what about the loss of a life you once believed was your path forward? How do you deal with that loss? For so many Lymies, we deal with loss on a daily basis. In fact, the reality of loss while battling Lyme disease is likely inevitable to some degree or another. I fully believe that until you deal with loss it will be nearly impossible to live a full life. Dealing with loss honors your body, your experience and your soul.

Let’s dive into the meaning of loss

The Oxford dictionary defines loss as, “the fact or process of losing something or someone” or “the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of value.” I’m going to venture a guess that all of us who have battled Lyme disease can relate to both of these definitions. We have all felt like something or someone is being stripped away from us. A relationship that is no longer thriving because of your prolonged illness. That career you were forced to relinquish because you could no longer sustain. Your dream of becoming a professional athlete, singer or IT supervisor. Those are some intense feelings of loss. Along with those losses comes deprivation and grief.

I was a bit surprised to see that grief is mentioned in one of these definitions. Grief is a heavy burden to bear. In Brene’ Brown’s amazing book, Atlas of the Heart,  she quotes Robert A. Neimeyer’s grief research. He describes part of the process of grief as, “the attempt to reaffirm or reconstruct a world of meaning that has been challenged by loss.”This is a process I have been working through for almost two years post-treatment, although it began in the waning days of my battle.

So, how do you deal with loss? How do you deal with your grief over what once was? It is a process. I’m no expert psychologist, doctor or scientist of any sort but I have lived through this process. My experience came in stages that are worth discussing. Hopefully you’ll find it beneficial. I hope you’ll leave some comments or simply pass it along if you are moved to do so.

Mourning/Grief

Mourning is a critical aspect of dealing with loss. So I urge you to take the time to grieve. It’s okay. Cry, scream, punch a pillow. Tell Lyme disease you fucking hate it. I know I did. On November 9 of 2018, almost a year and a half into my battle, I wrote in my journal, “I’m fucking tired of this disease!!  I hate you Lyme disease!” You have every right to hate this disease that has sucked so much from you. Your job, your athleticism, your complexion, your ability to walk and recall words. Let alone relationships. Shed those tears of loss, grief and mourning. Wear black if that makes it real for you. Hold a ceremony.

I remember purposely watching sad movies in order to cry. Marley and Me was my go-to for inducing a good sob fest. More than once I indulged for the sheer purpose of allowing that release of emotion. I would cry and cry and cry. (Interesting article about the health benefits of crying.) Weeping with indignation at the losses I had suffered. Why me? What did I do? I didn’t just cry about the things I had lost. I screamed internally at the things Lyme had taken from me. There’s a difference you see. Losing something feels haphazard. Having something taken from you feels intentional, cruel. Lyme disease was a bully. It stole so much of my life. I had to cry and scream, mourn and grieve in order to process it all.

Righteous Anger

There is such a thing as righteous anger. You have a right to be angry. You didn’t do anything to deserve this. There were no choices that led you down this path of disease. You went for a walk. Or maybe you let your dog out for a walk and he inadvertently brought this invader into your home. You may have been a child playing in a pile of beautiful fall leaves, raked up in your back yard. However you contracted it, it wasn’t your fault.

The point is, you didn’t do anything wrong, and yet here you are, bedridden, too dizzy and tired to walk. Riddled with pain, discomfort, fear and anxiety. You have a right to be angry. All I ask is, keep your anger righteous. Don’t take it out on others. As I said, scream into a pillow, punch a pillow, cry. Cry angry tears. But, don’t hurt yourself. This is about healing. This is about renewal.

Acceptance

Okay, let’s say you’ve taken the time to grieve, which I hope you have. It’s important to acknowledge loss and sadness. But now, it’s time to accept it. This is what happened to you. As the saying goes, this was your lot in life. But, it doesn’t have to be your life forever. By which I mean, don’t go down the path of victim-hood. After all is said and done, you are the hero of your own story. Stand up and recognize the superhero that you have become. You listened to your body (kudos to you!!), you sought the help you needed and you are somewhere in your process of treatment. Accept that. Allow yourself to sit in your body and Be.

Be proud of yourself for being your own health advocate. Treating Lyme disease is not an easy path, especially since our medical community makes it even harder than it already is. Yet, here you are, on your own personal journey towards wellness. That is awesome! Accepting that you are indeed sick and in the midst of an arduous battle is maybe the most difficult aspect of dealing with loss. However, I believe it is the step that brings the most reward. It allows you to be an active participant in your healing journey. Stepping out of your cross-bearing attitude and into your armor is an empowering posture. Don that gear of a warrior and stand proud. Once you’ve done that you will have won in a way many people never discover.

Rebirth

I chose the lotus flower as my featured image because of what it represents, rebirth and purity. The lotus flower is absolutely stunning and it rises from the mud. It blooms in the muckiest of mires and offers the world an unmatched beauty. Those delicate petals shine bright in a space where purity doesn’t seem to belong. Imagine yourself as a lotus flower. Growing towards wellness and out of the bacterial grime of Lyme disease.

Recognize that your body is fighting so hard in order to bring about calm. A calm in your body that you may not ever have realized possible. I lived with dis-ease for almost two decades and had no idea how wellness felt. Never did it cross my mind that I could get through a day without needing a nap. I had given up on working a full-time job. Now, through rebirth, I know that is possible.

Rebirth also represents your re-emergence into the world. After existing for so long below the dirty underbelly of disease, it can be difficult to step back into the land of the living. So take your time. Go through the steps of dealing with your loss. Be greedy about it if need be. But, don’t stay there too long. Of course, nobody can tell you how long is too long. We all have different timelines for processing grief. You will know if you listen to your body.

A new life in wellness

Eventually, the tears will dry up and you’ll naturally step into your righteous anger. In time, the anger will subside and you’ll be ready to accept. Take your time with acceptance. Nurture it. Nurture yourself. Reflect on all that you’ve accomplished, wherever you are in your journey. Once you’ve licked your wounds and allowed the scabs to heal, you’ll be ready for rebirth. Keep in mind, you may go through this process more than once, and that’s okay. Listen, respect and be kind to yourself. Deal with your loss so you can move into the new prospect of your life in wellness.