“Lyme Disease Really F#@king Sucks!”

I was a little over a year into my treatment when the prevalence of curse words in my journal took an uptick. It’s a wonder, truly, that it didn’t happen sooner and more often. After all, Lyme disease really does f#@king suck. 

11/4 – I’m sad and I’m scared. Also a little angry. I’m tired of this fucking disease. I want a life again!

It was only a few days later that I really exploded, clearly needing an outlet for my frustration…

11/9 – I felt so weird today. Jittery, antsy, sweating but cold at the same time. So tired and lethargic but sleep eludes me.  My new goal – stop worrying so much!! This constant fretting is driving me nuts. Just stop! I’m fucking tired of writing in this journal. I’m fucking tired of this disease! I can’t do this anymore!! Constantly fretting, worrying…one thing after another. I just want to feel normal. I was super jittery today, heart pounding, shaky, nervous and tired at the same time. I HATE YOU LYME DISEASE!!!

 My purpose in continuing to write and share my experiences is so you don’t feel as alone as I did. You are not alone in your anger, your frustration, your hatred of Lyme disease and what it’s doing to you. And so, I hope the following helps. In case you’re feeling the same way, I’ve put together a little rant.

Lyme disease…I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!!

You have taken everything from me. I no longer feel like the person I used to be. Hell, some days I no longer feel like a human at all but rather the husk of what used to be a living, breathing, functioning person. My body doesn’t do what I ask it to do and my mind feels like a bowl of jell-o being electrocuted.

Thanks to you, Lyme disease, I can’t read right now. Reading is my most favorite thing to do! But no, you’ve taken that from me too. I can’t process the information I’m reading, so I just read the same paragraph over and over, searching for meaning to the words all scrambled up in my brain.

Oh, and the same goes for watching TV. That’s right, can’t watch anything I’ve never seen before because my brain can’t focus well enough to understand what’s going on. So, I watch reruns, constantly. I’ve seen The West Wing from start to finish six times now!!

You suck Lyme disease

Lyme disease, you suck! Because of you, most of my friends have stopped calling me. I had to cancel last-minute too many times, so they’ve just stopped calling. Hell, most of the time I just turned down their requests to hang out because I never know if I’d feel well enough to sit in a coffee shop and chit chat. That’s right, I’m too unwell to drive somewhere nearby and drink a cup of coffee. 

You know what else?! I got lost driving to the grocery store. Once I found my way to the store, the one I drive to multiple times a week, I got lost inside the grocery store! This enormous store was a mystery to me. I had no idea what all those products on the shelves were, or why they were all there. I couldn’t remember why I was there to begin with. So, I’m sobbing in the middle of the grocery store while my husband, on the phone, helps guide me through the store.

Just leave already, Lyme disease!

I’ve really had enough of you. The ringing in my ears, the tremor in my hands, arms, legs…the utter, pure exhaustion, the loneliness, the fear. Every night, f#@king Lyme disease, I lay down and wonder if I’ll live to see the next sunrise.

I can’t take a shower alone because I’m too weak to stand. I’m afraid I might faint and crack my skull open.

I’m so damn tired of stuttering because I can’t find my words. They’re up there somewhere but dammit Lyme disease, if you haven’t taken that from me too.

And this freaky, painful, cold but hot, itchy and burning rash on my toes and my hands…what the f#@k!! Enough already. But no, it’s never enough for you, is it? 

My pounding heart, this weird pain in my rib, the diarrhea, a frickin’ black tongue. Grrrr, I hate you!

The stabbing headaches, the pain that roams all over my body and now my hair is falling out. Uggh, just go away!

And now, dizzy spells when I’m lying down in bed…because the dizzy spells while standing weren’t bad enough.

Days and months drag by, seasons change, people out there living their lives, while I sit here staring out my window. Watching life go by. Will this ever end? Will I ever feel well?

I am angry at you Lyme disease, and that’s okay

It’s important, from time to time, to simply allow ourselves to wallow. I think we can all agree, Lyme disease really f#@king sucks! In order to process anger it can be healthy to give voice to it. Scream into a pillow, punch your bed (please don’t punch a wall and hurt yourself), stomp your feet, maybe slam a door or write an angry letter that you never intend for anyone else to ever see. Come on Lymies and say it with me, yell it with me, “Lyme disease really fucking sucks!!

It’s okay to be angry. You should be angry…there’s a bacterial invader in your body doing strange, scary and painful things to it. It’s completely normal to be angry. The important step is acknowledging the anger, allowing yourself to process it and then move through it. I am certain you will go through this exercise of processing many emotions, not just anger, over and over again as you move through this stage in your life. Just keep processing them so they don’t get stuck and cause further distress. Trapped emotions are tricky to release. Trust me!! So, get angry, scream into that pillow, write nasty letters to this disease that’s wreaking havoc on your body, in your life, and then move on. Remember, this is one chapter in your life. There will be more chapters, better chapters. Just keep fighting.