Reinventing Yourself

Accepting that you’re unable to continue in a career that you love because your mind and body aren’t functioning properly is a difficult pill to swallow. The little voice in your head that tells you ‘you’re not good enough’ is hard to stifle. And yet, we soldier on. With each defeat, we rise again like a phoenix from the ashes. Still, the pain of starting over doesn’t go away. Some days it’s hard to hoist the heavy burden and settle into the challenge of reinventing yourself, again.

Lyme warriors, or anyone with a chronic illness, are masters at reinventing themselves. Recently, due to an unexpected setback, I have been thinking about how many times I’ve been forced to reinvent myself. I never really thought of it that way, but I realize now that that is exactly what I’ve done, over and over again. I have accepted the mantra that, “When one door closes another door opens.”

A seemingly endless cycle

I have had more jobs than I can count. I lost most of them because I was simply too tired to perform at the expected level. It always happened the same way…

I start a new job with renewed vigor and excitement. I learn the ropes with no problems and settle into my new role. Over time though, my body starts to give out. Before I know it I can’t make it through the day without a nap. My bowels start acting up, causing me to be late for work. Or, I’m simply too tired to get out of bed. Migraines, painful menstrual cycles, dizziness… it all sets in and the next thing I know I’m quitting or being let go. That has been the cycle of my life.

A cycle I thought I had escaped

Post Lyme disease treatment I have been thriving at work. For the first time in my life I no longer suffer from the weight of exhaustion dragging me down. Not once in the past year of my employment have I called in sick to work. I look forward to work. I’m energetic, forward thinking and performing above and beyond what is expected of me.

That is what has made this past week especially challenging for me. I have been forced to make the difficult decision to resign from this job that I absolutely love. Adding insult to injury, it is the first professional job I’ve had since my Lyme disease was declared in remission. This decision to resign crushed me. Internally I was screaming, I’m healthy now!! The frustration of starting over is supposed to be behind me!! Burdened by these negative thoughts I began sinking into depression. I thought I would have this job until I was ready to retire. I realized the pain of having to reinvent myself again was playing a big role in my depression. As a Lyme warrior, I also realized that the cycle of starting over has been a lifelong challenge.

The pain of starting over again, and again, and again…

Throughout my lifetime I have gone through three major reinventions. Two of them pre-diagnosis and now one of them post-treatment. There have been numerous others but these are the three biggies. I was in my early twenties the first time I was forced to accept defeat.

My dance career

I began dancing at the age of three and knew by my early teens that I wanted to be a professional dancer. By the time I reached college my body was already slowing down. This was of particular concern because I was a dance major. The, as yet undetected, Lyme bacteria silently digging its way through my organs began sending out warning flares. Exhaustion, ocular migraines and chronic pain were the first symptoms to grab a hold and drag me down. Two years into my three-year stint with a semi-professional dance company, I was forced to relinquish my parts in multiple performances. Misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia the pain eventually became too much and I retired my dance career.

Massage therapy

Crushed by the reality that my lifelong dream of being a professional dancer was never going to happen, I knew I had to reinvent myself. I tried the corporate world for a while only to lose job after job because of constant illness. Having never been truly satisfied with this line of work I began soul-searching. I needed a job that made me feel pride in my work, something that mattered. A way to help other people to feel better. Massage therapy fit the bill. What better way to help a person feel better?

Unfortunately, this career also proved to be too much for me. The physicality alone left me completely drained. Before long, I was dreading having to give a massage. There were times when forty-five minutes into a massage I was in tears from the pain. Eventually, I knew I simply couldn’t do it anymore. The defeat left me in despair.

Site manager for a local non-profit

After years in therapy I am able to pick up on the root of my emotions more keenly. When I began to sink into depression, upon making the decision to resign from this career, I could hear the self-doubt immediately. Why do I always fail? Nothing I ever do is good enough. Will I ever be able to hold down a job? Even without Lyme disease I can’t seem to succeed. Maybe I’m just a bad person. Thankfully, I now know how to shut those voices down. Instead of beating myself up, I take a deep breath and change my inner tone with myself. I am good enough. I was a rock star at this job. Most importantly I know that something new, and possibly even better, will come along. I am smart, I am strong, I am capable. I will focus on the future instead of looking back.

Hold your head high. You can reinvent yourself as many times as is required

It has been arduous, this rugged path that my life has taken me on. I’m happy to tell you that it has gotten easier. I’m able to look at these bumps in the road as chances to shine anew. A chance to grow, learn and experience exciting challenges. No longer do I see it as defeat. Thanks to my journey I’m able to say with a sense of wonder, I’m reinventing myself!! I get to try something new!

Despite the difficulties and the hardships I encourage you to keep forging on. If you’re a Lyme warrior you know exactly what I’m talking about. At times, it feels like a crisis of conscience. Why do I keep failing? It must be my fault, right? However, I firmly believe that none of those concerns are valid. I was sick most of my life, and the fact that I’ve succeeded as well as I have, proves that I am a warrior. I have become, by default, a master at reinventing myself. I’ve had no other choice. I used to hate the saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I’m still not fond of it but there is some hidden wisdom in it. While I wish I had never had the misfortune to battle Lyme disease, I know that I’m stronger for it.