Using Fear To Cope With Anxiety

There have been many times over the past few years that I have stopped to reflect upon my journey and the tactics I used to survive my arduous battle against Lyme disease. Could I have been stronger? Should I have pushed myself harder? What if I had remained more positive? Ultimately, I have decided that I did exactly what I needed to do to survive. As a result, I’d like to share with you how I used fear to cope with anxiety. I wouldn’t argue that there may be more effective tools to cope, but it worked for me. I hope that it proves useful for you too.

A colleague of mine suggested once that I should be more positive when relating my story. Specifically, she asked me to think about how I could improve upon my tactics for fighting. She wrote, “Don’t give any more of your energy to this bloody bacteria,” write about things that “deserve your energy more than the insignificant bacteria.”

Essentially, she was telling me to be more resilient, while also suggesting that I sugarcoat my experience and treat you all with kid gloves. I refuse to do that. I assume if you’re reading this now, you’re in the trenches and looking for help. Making light of your situation won’t serve anyone. So, first I’ll tell you about using fear to cope, then I want to touch on the peril of resilience. They go hand in hand.

Fear as a Tool

Using fear to cope with anxiety sounds entirely unconventional. However, it turns out there is actual scientific evidence that bolsters this odd desire I had to watch scary movies while in treatment for Lyme disease. The fear that I felt during those two years was overwhelming, leaving my body and mind in a near constant state of fight or flight. For a while, it seemed as though every new day brought with it some crazy new symptom. It felt as though I had no control over my own body. Some nights, after a particularly grueling day, all I wanted to do was watch a scary movie. At first, this didn’t cross me as particularly odd. After all, I’ve always enjoyed scary movies. But after a while, I came to recognize it as what it was, a coping mechanism. I consumed anything that was worse than what I was going through.

My go-to movie was The Conjuring.  The fear that The Conjuring conjured (yep, I said that) allowed me to escape from my own fears, if only for an hour or so. This may seem a little twisted or sinister, but it worked for me. The only reason I can think of to explain this tactic is that it took my mind off of myself. It allowed me to think about something besides how scared I was. It was a safe fear. In other words, the fear that filled my mind for those few hours was fictional. It was a necessary escape from the pervasive and very real fear that kept me trapped. It was an escape from my own mind and my own fears. This brings me to the resilience I was forced to summon for years on end.

The Peril of Resilience

I had been resilient for so long, at times I just needed to lean into the feeling of solitude, fear and anxiety. There is a presumption in resilience, that we can simply bounce back, jump up and dust ourselves off. That no matter how many times we get pushed down, we shouldn’t lose faith or falter. The problem is, If we keep hopping back up and pretending nothing is wrong, we are deceiving ourselves. While I did my best to stay positive, I also recognized that my situation was scary. I encourage you to go easy on yourself. Don’t push yourself too hard. Allow yourself to admit how hard you’re working to rid your body of disease and that sometimes that feels like a never-ending, scary, uphill battle.

The fear that I felt every day was numbing. A slog through which all I could do was try to persevere. It was in those first months that I discovered fear as a way to cope with my anxiety. It may not work for everybody. Some people hate scary movies, which is completely understandable. But, during my darkest hours, this is how I survived.